I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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