last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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