he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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