So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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