Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
