hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
