when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
