Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
