During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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