She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
