I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
