Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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