Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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