I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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