I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
