im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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