what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
