Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
