I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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