I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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