Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Randomize
