i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
