And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
