Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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