I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
