ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
