Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
