my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
