a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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