I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You ruined the universe
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
