where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
