My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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