It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
