it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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