just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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