totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just forgot I was standing up.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
