I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
