i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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