Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
