why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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