Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
