I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
