bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
