Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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