i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
