based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
