Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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