the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
