I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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