our cab driver is having phone sex.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
