my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
