i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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