so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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